Listen up, nerds, because I’m about to blow the lid off this whole “Government Shutdown” thing by proposing a simple, easy solution to get Donny Boy the funding he wants for his wall. How are we going to do it? Why, the most American way possible, baby! My patented three-step solution to The Wall has been passed down the American lineage for generations, so buckle up kiddos. I’m about to teach you how to profit off the poor, give tax breaks to businesses, and… uh, we’re going to go with something relating to either ROI or Brand Synergy for this last one. It’s a toss-up.
Before I start, I should probably warn you that I’m going into this article with the idea that it’s little more than fluffy clickbait, so you’re going to have to wait until the end (and it will totally blow your mind) to find out how I bring it all back around to the GoFundMe.
Oh! I should also talk about my qualifications for writing this: I have none.
Shall we begin?
First off, what’s the big issue with funding the damn thing, anyway? Word on the street is that Big Don Man wants $5.7 Billion to construct a maybe-cement/maybe-steel/who really fucking knows at this point barrier along the US/Mexico border. For those keeping count, that’s some 200 miles of prime rib real estate that, by my estimate, is ripe to get eminent domained for this project. So what’s the hold up?
Well, the project is fucking stupid for one. I’ve read enough Vox articles to know the numbers here, and it’s pretty well-documented that most illegal immigration comes from people overstaying their green cards. So what a wall on the southern border would do to curb this is negligible at best. So, with Prez Dispenser unwilling to admit that he campaigned on a racist, silly idea fueled by lies and deception, and Democrats currently shrugging and saying, “I dunno, dude, we’re pretty sure you could end this any time”, we’ve really dug ourselves a deep hole here, huh? And we aren’t even filling it with a steel slat! It’s a real catch-22 of a situation, though, because Del Trumpo doesn’t want to admit he actually likes Taco Bell and that he thinks it’d be a shame if we had to stop importing Crunch Wrap Supremes from Mexico. So he’s not planning on budging an inch for at least the next two years. So, how do we get Frumpy Trumpy to roll over on this?
Enter Step 1:
MARKETING
Have you ever looked at literally every part of The Wall and thought, “This seems like a tremendous waste of money and it’s kinda racist.” Yeah, same. So, what Donaldo (being the super-big business man he is) should see here is a tremendous fuck up in Marketing — one that can easily be fixed. Let’s not kid ourselves here, if he can go from saying, “I am proud to shut down the government” to blaming it on Democrats a few days later, I feel like the man can easily change the entire message of the wall in the same span of time.
So what’s the strat? How can Trumbo McDumbo un-cuck his marketing scheme for #TheWall and win American support all in one fell swoop? Well, this is all loosely based on a trip I took to Mt. Rushmore a couple years ago, but we’re going to run with it anyway because I’m bored, and it’s Sunday night:
- Declare The Wall a public works project aimed at competing with China for that tourism money
Think about it, T-Bomb. This fulfills one of those other campaign promises you made in the process: China. You said it a lot, not sure why, but trying to out-wall them seems like something you might have promised in 2016 to thunderous applause from your base. Let’s try it again! - Create “The Wall National Park”
Democrats love National Parks. Believe me, I have first-hand knowledge of this. Transforming part of the border into a protected National Park or maybe a wildlife preserve or something not only adds a bargaining chip to the table, but helps sell this as a tourism thing, and not a racism thing. - Hire a top-level design team to reinvent the “look” of The Wall
At the end of the day, selling the idea of a dumbass wall is difficult, even for “the greatest president ever.” Leave that to professionals so you can focus on golfing or whatever it is you do. I’m talking logos, commercials, the whole works. - Somewhere along the wall there’s going to be a “Mystery Spot.”
There HAS to be a mystery spot at any good tourist trap. Mt. Rushmore has one, so should The Wall. - Pay whatever you need to pay to license Pink Floyd’s 1979 tour-de-force “The Wall.”
Seriously, just shell out the money from your own pockets if you have to.
On to Step 2:
CONCESSIONS
You’ve done it, D-Man. The people are starting to warm up to the idea of a big, long euphemism as a tourist trap running along our southern border. Where do we go from here? It’s going to be a tough one, but we need the Democrats onboard. We need to be willing to give concessions, however difficult it might be to meet their demands that we act like a decent human being! The CEO of a company shouldn’t be reduced to acting like a human being, though, am I right?! Well, you know, it’s just one tiny concession… How hard could it be?
- Announce that you’re changing your mind on climate change
Follow it up by declaring that The Wall is going to be rigged up with solar panels, and unveil new tax breaks to incentivize companies to invest in wind farms in all of this empty, boring flat space next to Mexico we just scooped back up when we were eminent domaining the border. We are America, the land of innovation or opportunity or whatever, and coal is sooo two-thousand and LATE. Big Trumpi is into that alternative energy now! Bring on those twirly things! - Explain that this new, glorious tourist attraction will need to be staffed, thus creating big-time, 100% American jobs! Bing-bing, bong-bong!
Please settle down until I’ve explained this fully. Oh god, I know you didn’t expect this, Dr. President. I know we can’t slash medicaid or food stamps any more than we already have, so please stop screaming “How do we pay?! How do we pay for WALL?” CALM THE FUCK DOWN, DOLAND. THE SITUATION IS HANDLED. You’ve been saying all along that this is at least partially a national security thing, right? So just because we’ve abandoned that as our main selling point in favor of a national monument doesn’t mean we have to totally abandon it. You know, sneak it in there under the table by syphoning some money out of our national defense budget to pay our workers at the wall. It’s so simple. Piece of cake. It’s not like we needed to spend all that money on the F-35, let’s make sure Congress knows we’re planning to put some of that coin to better use this time.
Huh. Only two sub-steps this time. Very cool, very simple. What’s next?
Finally, Step 3:
COLD, HARD CA$H
This is it. The final step. What are we doing?
We’re unveiling the gut-punching conclusion to our re-marketing of The Wall, and really everything up until this point was fluff. I promised in the title I’d share how the secret to The Wall was in the GoFundMe, and I stand by it. Remember the marketing company we were going to hire? They come back into play here. Part of the funding we’re looking to secure for The Wall will go into building a subscription service, with a beautiful, clean website that’s easy to use and, most importantly, works on computers that still run Windows 95.
The main problem with funding The Wall is that it’s a waste of taxpayer money. It’s not a waste of Donny Tsunami’s personal cash, but instead, the cost of The Wall is being heaped on taxpayers. The way we shift the cost onto the people who actually want to pay it was just shown to be a viable solution. It didn’t reach its billion dollar goal, but the GoFundMe did reach $20 Million, which is both terrifying, and an interesting look at how we can modernize fundraising for government projects. So what are the steps?
- Set up a government portal to act kind of like Patreon, where you can go sign up to pay one dollar a month, ten dollars a month, etc. to fund The Wall
$20 Million a month is a lot of money. It funds the building of this tourist attraction through what essentially boils down to an optional tax via the subscription service for suckers riled up enough about border security to pay for it. And that’s the goal, right? Rile up the base/Fox News to make our problems go “bye-bye.” - I think this idea has been done before in the form of Super PACs, but I could be wrong?
I don’t know enough about Super PACs to know if that statement is true, but I alone have the journalistic integrity to admit it. You can believe me on that, Señor President!
In conclusion, this is one of the worst ideas I’ve ever come up with on a Sunday night, and yet somehow, I feel like it’s still leaps and bounds better than what’s currently being proposed. I’m hoping what I’ve written here today goes all the way to the top, to the Commander in Chic himself. Work with me on this idea, and let’s solve this shutdown!
