It’s summer, it’s after memorial day, and it’s time for the annual “oh god why would you do that” Mountain Dew product to hit the shelves, and this year? It’s Liberty Brew, baby. There are a million things to talk about now that I’ve experienced Liberty Brew, though the bottle claims there’s only about 50 reasons.
Where to begin, though? Maybe I should start a the top. Try to get to the heart of what this drink is. What is its truest essence? Deep down, at its core, I believe with my heart of hearts that Liberty Brew is unequivocally American. Yes, okay, that requires explanation:
The Brew is Blue
Let’s talk about this name in relation to the striking color of America’s newest drink. And it should be really obvious to any red, white, and Liberty Blue-blooded patriot where I’m going with that. It’s 2019, and as a country, we’re dealing with a crisis of racism. It only makes sense that we would have a company make a product that is (I assume) unintentionally making a pun by referring to itself as “Liberty Blue” but spelling it “Brew.”
Now this could simply be referencing America’s recent infatuation with brewing beer. As someone from Michigan who then moved to Chicago, it’s hard not to take note of the endless stream of microbreweries that seem to be popping up on every street corner like these pesky fruit flies in my apartment. No matter how many die, more keep comin’!
I choose to believe my initial point that this spelling is racist against Asians. I’m not going to explain that, but if you don’t get it, just go ask your weird uncle to walk you through it the whole Ls and Rs thing. I know, I know. “But Travis, wouldn’t that make it Riberty Brew?” (I need to go take a shower after writing that) That’s the thing about 2019, though. Racism can be overt, but nobody ever seems to get punished for it if they leave themselves a little wiggle room to say “That’s not what I meant!” Yes, I’m sure you’re referencing beer in a product marketed at 16-year-old gamers.
A Lot to Unpackage
From sea to star-studded sea, the packaging for Liberty Brew tells the story of Lady Liberty racing a couple bald eagles cross country on a motorcycle emblazoned with the Liberty Bell.
What in Lincoln’s Beard could be more American than slapping as many “Symbols of Freedom” together in a cocaine-addled graphic design crunch as possible? To me though, the motorcycle truly paints the clearest picture here. The motorcycle is clearly a Harley-Davidson® Sportster Iron 1200™. In case you aren’t, ahem, up to speed on Harley-Davidson®, they’ve come under fire recently for doing the most Capitalist – nay, the most American thing possible with regards to Trump’s Tax Breaks. They shut down a plant and repurchased shares in their own company to artificially drive up their stock prices. So, is the messaging on the label clearly American enough? Duh, yes.
Yeah, but how does it taste?
Here’s the most striking aspect of Liberty Brew: the way it assaults your tastebuds. It’s like Seal Team 6 breaking into your mouth and putting a bullet in the eye of every single bud. It’s the war on terror, but not only is your mouth the terror, it’s also terrified.
Now, of course nothing could possibly hold up to last year’s DEW.S.A. flavor: the unholy union of Code Red, Whiteout, and Voltage (Red, White, and Blue respectively). Liberty Brew looks beyond such an obvious combination for its distinct taste, and goes straight for the heart of America.
Liberty Brew tastes like indifference.
Wow, that’s a hell of a sentence, I definitely need to explain this in more detail. When I say indifference, what I mean to say is that Liberty Brew, in its supposed 50 combined flavors–
I’m sorry. Like, so so sorry, but can we just run that back a second? They combined 50 f***ing flavors together into a single drink? In my head, Lady Liberty is kicking down the door to Dr. Pepper’s office, spitting in his face, and tearing up his PHD. Oh you thought 23 flavors was a lot? Hold my Brew a second, I’ll double that and then add 4 more flavors for a little extra insult.
–Where was I? Right, 50 flavors. Now, I tried to find a list of all 50 supposed flavors in this drink and nobody seems to have that kind of privileged information. If I were to wager a guess, you could maybe argue that the flavors are maybe based on all 50 States’ Official Fruits, which apparently is a thing (though apparently a few states didn’t get that memo, so I’m probably wrong).
So what does 50 States’ worth of flavors actually taste like?
Haribo Gummy Bears.
Wait, didn’t I say it tasted like [checking my notes] “Indifference?”
Yes. Yes that’s exactly what it tastes like. Because Liberty Brew is so American, it only makes sense that it would taste like a product that’s recently come under light scrutiny for potentially utilizing slave labor for production. I know, right? Since when has news of a little slave labor or unsafe working conditions or even a couple kids in the factory caused DEW.S.A.-blooded Americans to care about the where and how their favorite products are made? I’m not pretending to be all high and mighty here. I own a pair of Nike shoes. I’ve chugged a bag of Haribo Gummy Bears. Christ, I still have stock in BP even after they ruined the Gulf of Mexico (note to self: sell sell sell). Okay, I admit I don’t consume Nestlé products anymore because The Great Lakes are too near and dear to my heart to put up with their BS.
The point is, America runs on doing horrible things and putting it out of our mind because hey! That totally doesn’t affect me! Liberty Brew is the most American drink because it will do horrible things to your body but hey! Out of sight, out of mind!
– Enjoy responsibly.
