In a stunning move today, motion graphics artist Travis Tessmer walked to lunch, returning to the office moments later with an apparent caesar-style salad.
What we know so far: According to eye witness reports, Tessmer went to lunch around 1PM CST and returned roughly ten minutes later holding a to-go bowl from Mixed Greens, a restaurant in Chicago’s River North. Witnesses confirmed the salad as a caesar-style, attributing the choice to the fact that Tessmer tends to eat caesar salads at an astounding 99/1 ratio vs. other salads over the course of 2018.
The big picture: Tessmer has repeatedly told reporters he doesn’t really like salads, “unless they’re caesar” earning him backlash in his own party with regards to inclusivity. He came under fire once more today, as Republican senators are now disputing Tessmer’s claim that what he ordered for lunch could even be considered a caesar salad — instead claiming it was something else entirely.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) spoke with us over the phone Thursday afternoon, condemning Tessmer’s unusual addition of grilled corn as “completely un-American” saying, “Yes. Yes, I think [Tessmer] ought to step down. This simply is not how we do things in this country.” He went on to lay out the Constitution’s official definition for a caesar salad, which has come under increasing scrutiny in recent years, considered by many on the left of needing a “drastic update for the 21st Century”:
- Caesar Dressing: The defining ingredient in any salad is its dressing, and without caesar dressing, a salad cannot be considered a caesar salad. There has been an ongoing debate since 2012 over what, exactly, defines a dressing as caesar. Republican hardliners in the House claim that for a caesar dressing to be considered as such, it needs to be creamy, white, and mayo-based. Democrats have argued that such a claim is racist, noting that immigrants from Northern Africa and the Middle East have brought with them their own oil-based caesar salad dressing, and have gone as far as pushing an amendment to the US Constitution that would be inclusive of these less traditional caesar dressings.
- Croutons: The debate on capitol hill rages on over whether or not croutons are necessary for a caesar salad — most notably the recent protest at The Mall in Washington DC headed by the Celiac Disease Foundation, who claim that forcing croutons into the definition of a caesar salad is an attack on a growing number of Americans with the disease. Of the protest, right-wing provocateur Milo Yinnenopolis sparked outrage saying in an interview with Fox News that “Celiac’s isn’t even a real disease.”
- Parmesan Cheese: The Supreme Court has recently agreed to hear out the case of Arugula vs. Napa, a fiery showdown between Jason Arugula, a lactose intolerant Napa, California resident who claims that the inclusion of cheese in a caesar salad caused him to defecate in his pants at a company luncheon, losing him his job. The company asserts that each employee’s tenure may be terminated “at the discretion of the employer” as it states in the employee handbook. The company’s CEO came under fire recently, saying in an interview, “It was fucking embarrassing. For him, and us. He just started shitting everywhere, and everyone was terrified to move or risk getting pelted with it. I absolutely stand by the decision [to fire him.]”
- Romaine Lettuce: Scientists at Caesar University have struggled in recent months to effectively combat the E. Coli-related recall of romaine, and have thus far failed to find a suitable substitute for it in salads, sparking panic among caesar salad consumers. Experiments with both iceberg and baby kale yielded frivolous results at the end of 2018.
Sources close to the situation have informed us that there also seems to be some dispute over Tessmer’s claim that he only likes caesar salads, citing a meal a year ago at Crosby’s Kitchen in Lakeview. Those sources told us that Tessmer ordered what’s referred to as a “Wrightwood Salad” — a rotisserie chicken salad topped with ingredients such as avocado, walnuts, and a citrus-based vinaigrette.
At the time Tessmer was quoted saying, “This salad is so good. I really like this dressing!” leading many to speculate whether or not Tessmer was lying when he said he “only” ate caesar salads.
Why it matters: There’s growing concern on the left that Tessmer might be starting a diet, something he hasn’t done since early in 2015 when he cut carbs, red meat, beans, and soda (“pop” as he refers to it). Over three months, Tessmer lost 30 pounds. Many on the hill are expecting Tessmer to announce an exploratory committee soon with regards to running a similar diet in 2019 now that he’s completely gained those pounds back over the course of the past four years. It’s rumored that, over the holidays, he’s accepted over $50-worth of Panera Bread gift cards from donors, and this lunch salad is the next logical escalation of a possible 2019 campaign.
We will be updating the situation as it unfolds.
